By Amy Demyan, Ph.D.

The sun was shining through the crisp cold winds this past Saturday morning in Santa Monica. It was late February, but oddly, outside it smelled like the first day of school for this Ohio girl. This was the first morning event I had attended in a long time. I had become accustomed to the evening-ness of it all. This morning, I was tired, hungry, and a bit annoyed.  I was sure in need of an Insight LA organized retreat on Real Happiness by renowned meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg.

It was a rough start for me. The house was packed. I took a seat in the last row of the balcony. It gave me a great, albeit blurry, view of everything.*  The event took place at a church, which I thought was a great statement on interfaith cooperation. But then my many years of family church going crept in. As a child, church was some place I wanted to leave. I counted the minutes, stealing glances at my dad’s wristwatch –which only came out on Sundays. I kept track of the time by watching the prayers and hymns go by. I knew them all by heart -some even in the Slovakian mother tongue. 

So here I was, at an event on Real Happiness, based on present moment awareness and I was itching to go. I wanted to go enjoy my after church breakfast at Bob Evans, or grandma’s house like I had become accustomed so many years earlier. I had to pull myself –kicking and screaming, back into the moment.

Which, I then learned is really where it’s at.  Sharon reminded us that the practice is all about pulling yourself back. If you don’t wander, you can’t practice returning home, without judgment, and like the prodigal son, you return to the moment and all its sensations and possible wonderment. Moreover, she talked about the skills, like concentration and attention training needed to achieve a happiness that is not externally affected –a happiness that is durable and sustainable**.

What does that mean? a happiness that is not externally affected Well, it reminds me of a guided meditation that likens this to a deep body of water. While the surface may be disrupted by turmoil at times, at its depth it is always calm. Sometimes I take myself there –to the quiet depths of my lake.  I think about the storm that may be writhing on top. And, I am grateful I am deep in the center.

Furthermore, the idea that “what arises isn’t as important as how you relate to it” was a central theme. I like this because it relaxes my desire to control the things I can’t control anyway.  “Something will happen”, she reminds us. And we can decide how we respond.

I also really loved that she said we should enjoy our pleasurable life moments. Sometimes when I think of not being attached to external joys or disappointments as taught in meditation, it can come across as being a sort of flat life. But Sharon’s perspective is that joys don’t always come and they certainly don’t come proportionately to everyone, so when you find yourself in the kind of moment that memories are made of relishing is a-okay.

I left from the 3-hour retreat reminded to connect and see people, like the cashier and people waiting for the bus. I can wish them well with a loving-kindness message. I can pay attention to the ways in which we’re connected, thinking about all those who I come in contact with, who have supported me, or challenged me to be who I am and where I am.

May they be safe, we meditated, happy, healthy, and live with ease.  My personal wish for people is usually strength and courage, but I liked the one offered by Sharon and I tried to focus on this.  But in the church setting it felt like prayer. And for me, it felt inactive.  In a perfect world, Sharon’s talk would have preceded Joseph Goldstein’s on Compassion as a verb. Joseph’s talk felt like a call to action. Sharon’s message was gentler, more personal and focused on making sure the self was whole before tackling the beyond self components of being mindful.

This is the part I love the most; the room for personalization – for this way of life to be a process that can be tailored to meet you where you are. So often we find the traveling huckster toting a bottle of one-size-fits-all snake oil to fix what’s ailing ya’. But just like that adorable tunic I had to leave on the rack at Macy’s last week--one size does not fit all.

*It’s no coincidence that I’m over due for an eye exam.

**Which, by the way, is the title she said she would have preferred for her book, Real Happiness.  The publishers picked real happiness because sustainable and durable happiness weren’t as appealing, she supposes.